A Notebook To God

By Lee Rector




These papers were written when I was 23 and 24 years old.


These files lay asleep in a filing cabinet for 30 years. At posting, it is 2001.

They are posted as written, 30 years earlier in 1971. In many instances philosophies have

Been expanded and revisited many times in the ensuing three decades

Since these papers were written. In 1977, I discovered The Urantia Book

Which cemented many of the questions I had sought to have answered

In my personal quest for understanding and truth. For example, my views

Of evil, sin and iniquity are much more benevolent today than when I

Was grappling with the guilt of entering adulthood. I present these

Papers in hopes that they may be of some good to someone, sometime.

Thank you for clicking.



And so my trip began



♦ ♦ ♦


Iím scared. But not for myself. I have found myself.


Iím scared for my country and for the people who

Are rampant in greed and selfish momentary pleasures

At this very moment.


It takes no effort to love God, yet some people fear

The work.


It takes nothing from you, yet some people fear



It gives. It teaches you to give.


What sinners are afraid of is loosing the right to sin,

And the license for evil.


What sinners cling so desperately to are the evil

Forces guiding their lives. And these are the things

That you will be relieved of though God.


The anxieties you feel now are because of self-inflicted pain.

The pains of evil.


Somehow there is a great deal of pleasure derived from

These painful sensations, but I promise you that there

Is a greater pleasure in store for those who listen.


♦ ♦ ♦


God is waiting for you to listen.


God is not a clinical psychologist.

God is not a psychiatrist.


God is your maker, and your Father, and his justice prevails.


It is you and you aloneÖnot your family or peers

Who influence you on earthÖbut you alone who takes

Your soul into the unknown realm beyond life.


You will not spend eternity with your peers.


You will be spending the rest of eternity with your soul.


It must be made right.


It must be something you can life with.


♦ ♦ ♦


An Apostate Prayer


It is my desire and duty to maintain free

Expression of what I know to be right

And righteous, not to be persuaded or enticed

By evil to follow my lower instincts, but

To maintain honor, honesty and dedication

To my Guiding Spirit and myself in all I

Endeavor and encounter with my fellow man

For this is my goal and my purpose.


I have seen the darkness and the inner

Depths of evil in mankind.

Yet not to late to find myself and

Change the guiding forces in my mind.

Iím climbing from the cellar to the attic

To remove a baneful bind.




♦ ♦ ♦


footnote on Apostate Prayer Ö


This is what started the notebook. I had

Been asking for help, my mind was screaming

At me. My subconscious was punishing me

For all I had done.


I knew to achieve, or regain, sanity the only

Alternative I had was to

Dedicate my lifeís work to the Guiding Spirit,

And renounce all evil.


It was surprisingly easyÖand as time went on

I felt cured without spending any effort.


It took some time to begin to trust the feeling,

Because so often I had the same sense of well

Being, but it was only temporary and I always

Reverted back to my old self.


I canít deny enjoying the ďold selfĒ, I did.

But it was in no way a comparison to the tranquility

And sense of well being I achieved from the Spirit.


And the longer you follow Him, the more effort you

Put into your devotion, the greater the rewards,

Until you can sense a sensation of celestial pleasure

Which surpasses any sensation I have ever received

From any activity on earth.


You must believe God will help you. He will.

But you must reject evil to receive the help of



He says that thereís not enough room for him and

The evil both. You must put iniquity out and invite

God to come in.


I am convinced that this is the only way to be free,

The only way to be happy, the only way to understand

Life and participate in life.




♦ ♦ ♦



My test of meditation Ö


♦ ♦ ♦



God, the sky was strange this morning

And it made me wonder if today was not

The Judgment day. I almost anticipated

The final confrontation.


It seems, God, that every day is a judgment

Day for some, but today you gave me another

Chance to make myself ready.


Grant me the strength, dear Lord, that I may be

Ready today and every day for my judgment.


For, God, I repent of my sins, for which

I am most honestly ashamed and sorry and

I must use them to make me alert to

Future temptation.


I pray, when you test me Lord, that I

Can withstand temptation and have the

Strength to turn from what I recognize

As wrong to do what you instruct me

As right.




♦ ♦ ♦



God, it seems that I am always in a hurry,

But I donít know why. I rush and speed to

Get somewhere then just sit down and wait,

And I donít know what I am waiting for.


Sometimes I wish that the heavenly spirit

Would descend up on me, cleanse me of my sins

And take me away from earth. But I guess that

Would be too easy.


I know that I manufacture a lot of my own

Troubles, God, and sometimes I wonder why I

Was blessed (or cursed) with a sensitive



Reality seems to escape me God, and I donít

Even know if I can trust my senses to believe

The things I see, the things I hear, the things

I feel, at times I canít believe in myself, God.


Please light my soul with knowledge and understand

And love, so I can better relate to myself,

My senses and to others.




♦ ♦ ♦



Dear God, I am many people, I fear a hypocrite.

I read that all will be brought out into the

Open and no secret will be left uncovered

In the final reckoning.


For, God, if I donít say unkind things

About others, I wont think them. And God, I donít

Want to hurt anyone. I donít want others to

Think that I am cruel.


When Iím cruel and unfair to others, I am

Cruel and unfair to myself and my soul.


I am many people God, with many drives and many

Talents and many interests.


Help me to mold these many people together,

Into one spirit working for the good of mankind.




♦ ♦ ♦



God, Iím afraid!


I guess being afraid is a sign of a lack of faith

In some ways, because I should not have to fear



But Iím afraid of life, God, and other people

And myself.


Iím afraid that I wonít be able to meet up to my convictions

And promises that I have made to you this time.

And it is most important that I do this.


And Iím afraid that life will overcome me with

Earthly trivia and absurdity.


And Iím afraid of the temptations others offer me.

It seems they threaten me. That must mean that I

Am also a threat to them.


Help me to understand fear, God.


And maybe God, for some reason, Iím afraid of being

Too faithful, afraid of total devotion to your spirit

Because I fear I will loose some of my freedom and



Fear doesnít seem to make sense, doe it God?


Help me to overcome fear.




♦ ♦ ♦



Dear Lord, I was just thinking about the abuse

The heavenly spirit has suffered over the past



From a proclamation of the death of God to

Zealous youth shouting in ritual love of Christ

As they dance in driving rhythms in the streets.


Mine, dear God, is a quiet faith. Between you

And me-type faith.


But may I never deny my faith

To any man, for fear that I would harm my faith.

I am not ashamed of my faith.


I suppose people celebrate the Lord in all

Different types of ways. I prefer to celebrate

With a silent tear of joy, for my suffering

Was not a group suffering, but an individual

Experience, self-inflicted.


But God, you saved me from myself, and that

Is something only you and I can share.


I celebrate you Lord, in silence I celebrate

Your love.




♦ ♦ ♦



God, I feel good today!


Often, I notice I donít pray about good things.

Usually when I pray, I want help or need something.


But today, God, I feel good.


I feel bright and young and new.

I feel happy and excited and well.


Itís a beautiful day, God.

And today I remember that it belongs

To you, and is your gift to me.


Thereís nothing really special about today

Except life. I hope I donít ruin it by

Doing something I might regret.


Thank you for today, God.


May be thereís a tomorrow.




♦ ♦ ♦



Dear God,


I have the desire to pick up and leave this place.

To walk away and forget all about what I would

Leave behind me. To burn some bridges, if you like.


But the great disappointment, Lord, is that once

I got to the other side of the river, there would

Still be what I am running from Ė Me.


God, I canít escape my soul and I canít run and hide

From my conscience. I guess I could numb them with

Alcohol and drugs, but I can never get away from them.


So why would I want to escape from myself in the first place?


I guess itís because I have done some things that have shamed

My heart, my conscience, my soul and my spirit.


Asking forgiveness and making these things as right as

I humanly can would be better than running, because

I canít run away from myself.


God, help me to make my soul and my spirit a thing

That I am proud of, a thing that I can live with, a thing

I can share with others.


Help me use the strength you have given me to try

And correct mistakes I have made in the past and to put

My life together and in order.


And God, help me to overcome shame, to find value

In myself and in others.


Take away my suspicions and skepticisms so I can believe,

Trust and love to a fuller degree.


Most of all, dear God, help me to learn to love myself,

My soul, my spirit. For this, dear Father, is imperative.

Help me to love and understand on earth what I must carry

With me through eternity.


Help me unveil the darkness from my soul to

Feed it with light, right understanding and love.




♦ ♦ ♦



God, time has made me unhappy with my situation in life.


Iím not yet settled and ready to stop searching for

Myself and my spirit and the forces of life.


I need the strength to change my situation, the

Patience to wait for the right time, and the courage

To do so unfalteringly without bitterness or



It was said that you will help us with the words

To say, if we have faith enough to rely upon you

For the right words.


God, I trust there are no better hands in which

To place my life.


Iím sure, if I let you, I will be led to happiness.


Take my life for your purpose.





♦ ♦ ♦



God, I have been noticing how much I ask of you.


And it is because of your love and guidance that

I am able to maintain sanity.


I ask you to help me overcome evil and you do so.


I ask you to help me overcome fear and you do so.


I ask you to help me overcome myself and you do so.


I ask you to help me understand the forces of life,

And you do so.


I ask you to give me confidence and happiness

And you do so.


All these things you have done for me and I am grateful,

But they are hard to accept. I feel guilty about

Accepting so much without giving in return.


I must ask again for help, dear Lord.


Please grant me the strength and courage to give

Back to the Lord in return for what I have received.


Grant me the wisdom to do your work on earth,

The power to help ease other menís loads and

The generosity to share your miracle with those

Who need you.


I ask Lord, now that you have my sanity, Grant my

Life meaning that I may share with others.


For it is through unselfishness that I will obtain

Freedom and freedom is the ultimate quest of man.




♦ ♦ ♦



God, you made me of flesh.


Flesh is cold and warm, soft and rough, tinder and tough.


Flesh betrays my spirit.


I wish that I could change the laws you laid down for

Us a little sometimes, God, so that I could include some

Other things, although I know that your laws are right

And I must obey them.


Itís just that my flesh hungers as does my soul.


Must I learn to curb my appetites to be in better health?




♦ ♦ ♦



God, Iím angry!


Iím angry because some people have promised me

Things that they did not intend to carry through.


This affects my earthly well being and I know

That I am told not to worry about these things,

But God, itís hard for me to be honest,

When Iím surrounded by dishonesty, and it is

Hard for me to be trustworthy when I am surrounded

By un-trustworthiness.


I feel like saying, ďWhat the hell?Ē but I know

What that means.


Is there anyway, dear Lord, to get what I

Deserve both on earth and in heaven?


But can I be any kind of a judge of what I deserve?


Please help me guard my tongue and curb my anger

So I can say the right things and deal fairly with

Those I resent and those I fear.




♦ ♦ ♦



God, itís time for a change.


Things have been going pretty smoothly the past

Few weeks, too smoothly.


Itís time for a challenge, an obstacle, a struggle.


A happy life must be an active life for me, God.

I have energy to spend and creative power to

Un-harness. I am a dynamo of enthusiasm and am

Ready to come bursting forth with a challenge.


God grant me a challenge for the good of man.

Itís time, and Iím ready to start my work.


Playing a game with life can no longer satisfy

My spirit. I need to create a role and assemble

A cast.


Help me, God, to find this challenge and meet

It head on with all my soul and will




♦ ♦ ♦



God, when I first prayed to you for help,

I asked you to take my life, for I could

No longer control, it.


I had every intention of going back on my word

As soon as I felt better.


But youíve done more for me than I asked for.


I just wanted to live for another to another

Drink and another fix.


Now I have lived a number of days without them

And Iím afraid I may go back.


I canít explain why.


It may be because I donít feel ready, or important

Enough to hold the secrets and security you have

Given me.


Oh, God, make me feel important enough.


Save me from returning to darkness.


I fear if I went back this time I would never return.


Donít let me degrade myself anymore. Make me feel too

Important to let myself go back, because I am God.

I am too important to degenerate.




♦ ♦ ♦



God, now that I am seeking a change it scares me

A little.


The unknown is very excitingly spooky, because

You donít know what itís about.


I asked you to un-harness my potential.


I know I have it, but Iíve never rally used it.

So now I just want to explode with enthusiasm

And reach a natural high that will keep me going

For a long time.


I want to re-fuel and charge up so the change

Wonít scare me, so Iíll scare it.




♦ ♦ ♦



Dear Lord, the pattern of my life has reached a standstill.

I am walking on a treadmill at a slow pace.


When I was young, God, I did not think life would be like this.

Where are the challenges?


Where can I go?


What can I do?


I must answer these questions and take some changes.


I pray when I make my decisions and steps towards progress

You will guide me and help me say and do the right things,

The good things, the honorable things.


Guide my progress, Lord, toward the light and save me from

Darkness and evil.


May you be the conqueror of my mind and my will and my soul.




♦ ♦ ♦



Dear God,


I have begun to feel as though I can understand life

A little better.

I understand that life is the chance to enhance the

Spirit, rather than the flesh.


I understand that the flesh will die and the spirit

Abandons the flesh in search of another home.


I can see a spirit wandering lost in the universe.

I can see spirits that suffer from the tortures of

Shame and guilt through eternity, and I can see

Spirits at peace, at rest in the light worshiping

God, the maker and controller of the universe.


Lord, I want to find peace for my soul. I want to

Repent of my sins and be born again, to

Start my life over.


I want to fly like a moth toward the light, toward

What is right and good.


I also, Lord, do understand your laws.


For some reason the rebelliousness of my human nature

Had to disobey your laws and only through sin did I

Learn to understand sin, did I learn to fear, respect

And strive to honor and obey your laws.


God, I reach out for your love.


I understand that to receive your love I must show you

Respect and love in return by obeying your commandments,

By spreading the word and by striving to give others

All that I have to give to their advantage.


I have a place and a purpose on earth.

Itís something I must make for myself.

I have a future.

Itís something that I must shape for myself.




♦ ♦ ♦



For some reason, Father, I have thought of myself

As an exception to the rule.


I guess this goes back as far as I can remember.


Rules were for other people, not for me to follow.


I am an exception, but not to the rules.


My way of being an exception must be to follow the

Rules, to obey the laws and to try to persuade others

To do the same.


Our world needs particularly today exceptional people

To set the examples, to be the exceptions for others

To look up to.


Grant me the strength, dear Father, to be an exception

And the voice to encourage others.




♦ ♦ ♦



God, I tell you lately that I have begun to understand

The reasons for laws, and for obedience.


Yet there are things I see every day that I canít understand.

They pertain to the ways of man.

Yet somehow I can label them all.

They label as jealousy, envy, greed, ignorance, pride and

On and on.


I understand the emotions.


But God, I see things happening every day that I

Canít understand.


They all pertain to ways of men.


Is there anything I can do?




♦ ♦ ♦



I understand the things I must do, Lord.


Now instead of talking about it and asking

For the courage to do so, I must take the risk.


I understand the courses of action I must take, God.


NowÖI must take them!




♦ ♦ ♦



God, I hate myself for some of the things that

I have done and I am one of those persons who

Tends to live in the past.


If I could overcome this, I could forge onward

Making greater and faster progress.


When I hate myself, God, I have a tendency to

Try to make others hate me too.


Help me overcome my past and teach me how to love,

How to make commitments to my spirit, myself

And others and to follow them through.


I donít want to hate.




♦ ♦ ♦



Lord, you are a stern God.


Your commandments demand that mankind live in a civilized

Way in consideration of other men, worshiping God as one,

As the creator of the universe and this life.


These times, God, though relatively speaking may be no more

Critical than past times, are critical times.


In our country it is obvious that a moral decay is taking place.


This universe is a large and frightening place for a lost



I donít want to see any of us flung to the darkest depths

Of space.


Convince us, Lord, for you are a kind God and men will listen,

For they are already condemned and have but one trip they must

Take alone.




♦ ♦ ♦





My goals are to obey your laws, to enjoy life and

Not to step on the feet of others in doing so.


To bring pleasures, and entertainment, and laughter,

And music, and wise words as food for thought.


To leave a good name behind, one to which people

Will say, ďThat was a good man.Ē


To spread the word and joy of life to all.


To prove people really can be happy by being

So myself.


To leave my corner of the world a better place.


These, Dear God, are my goals.


Please help me realize them with your blessing.




♦ ♦ ♦


Dear Father.


Outside there is a blue sky and wonderments that

Cannot be explained.


Outside there are continents and oceans that span

Around a charted sphere that houses the species of man.


And inside here, we keep records and computer keypunch

Cards on a population leaving almost no one unrecorded.


God there is a force of mankind here that must work

Together as one world to concentrate their efforts

On the preservation of this earth.


Civilization seems almost a step backwards for this planet.


May we discover how to maintain your creation

And rebuild rather than destroy?




♦ ♦ ♦



Dear God,


This world is the only thing I know.


My hopes and desires and future plans all somehow come

Back to and evolve around this world.


At times I get mixed up between the spiritual world

And this world.


Please, Lord, may I grow to understand them better and

Accept this world on an animal level and learn to strive

For and know the spiritual world on a higher spiritual level?


Help me to understand, dear Lord, discipline of the flesh

That is necessary to maintain an elevated spirit and help

Me to grow to know both lives in a way which will satisfy

Both my spirit and my conscious mind.





♦ ♦ ♦



Dear God,


I have a language centered around earthly terms and

Labels that do not communicate emotions and sensations

And revelations of the spirit.


I find that I have no way to describe my sensations

But with cumbersome fumbling of my language.


Lord, how can I say my love?


It must be by action rather than by verbalisms.


I must do so you can see that I love you.


I must perform so as to show you that I believe.


The insufficiencies of my language, Lord, hinders me

But the desire in my soul for your grace encourages me.


Grant me, Lord, the knowledge of ways to communicate

My love, my will, and my desires for your love and grace.


11/12/71 (24th birthday)


♦ ♦ ♦





Today with myself I celebrate commemoration of

An anniversary, my birthday.


It is a miracle I can understand, a celebration of

The beginning of my life on earth.


And though I have grown older, Lord, I still remain the

Same as I trace back over the years, birthday after birthday.


I guess I am no more confused than any other man.

Iím certain that I know no more than any other man.

I can not predict the future and can but imagine the inevitable.

Itís a simple miracle, Lord Ė

The miracle of life, just as is every other man,

Animal, insect, and vegetable a miracle of life.


Lord, I have fought life.

I have tried to change the meanings and ways of life

To suit me and still I stand here just the same as

The helpless child that was born so many years ago today,

A helpless child.


What I have been asking you these past weeks, is God,

May I be able to accept the miracle of myself, and may

I take my fate and do the best job I can with it

No matter where it takes me.


I have been a dreamer, God, and have dreamed of high seas,

And Shang-ri-lasover which I could be the ruler.

But it looks like Iím too selfish to rule other people.

And I pray, God that humanity can become intelligent

Enough to see through the masks of selfishness and elect

Proper men to try to save our planet.


I may never be a king, Lord, but please, may my fate

Take a direction that will not disgrace my miracle, my life.




♦ ♦ ♦



Somehow, somewhere along the way, Lord, I

Got the impression that humility, righteousness,

Obedience, faith and religion in general was unmanly.


I canít recall when or just where this happened,

But it did.


I never took my lesson too seriously until the fate

I faced became too serious to take.


God, you are the source of masculinity, for you are

The creator of man.


And in contrast, the devil, the tempter is the blue

Force of evil that tempted woman.


I fell out of your grace.


Now, God, I gain strength from your love.

I gain the part of masculinity I felt missing.

I became a whole man through your love


What an addition to such an empty shell!




♦ ♦ ♦





I have found myself waiting to start living.


I started waiting a long time ago, even before

I was a boy scout. I started waiting to live.


I thought that I would at least wait until I got

Out of high school to start living. But then,

I postponed it till I got out of college. Then

I waited again and again and again to start to live.


Lord, I discover I can no longer wait to start living.

Father, I am living now, this is my life.


Only through your love, I find, can I start living.


Only through the transmission of love can I go on



Father, I find I cannot put off to tomorrow

Any longer the love and the manifestation of your

Spirit that I need and crave today.


God, I am alive and God, I am living now, today.

May I wait no more to realize myself through your love.


For you are my Father, you God, are the Father of man,

The Father of the universe, the source of light and

Of love and of happiness.


I reach for the light and you grant me life.


I have died and am born to life again.

Glory be to the Father, the God of man.




♦ ♦ ♦






There were four homicides here last night.


It takes a mighty lonely man to gun down another.


In an age when people are going wild, Lord, we need

More people who are turning mild.


Help us to spread the joy and love around so we can

Help each other soften the trivial blows of live and temper

Our emotions to laugh again, to be kind, to turn mild.




♦ ♦ ♦


Dear God,


Thank you for this day.


You have made this day for me and mine, us and ours,

You and yours.


The miracle of day, Dear God, happening over and over,

Is no easy thing to overlook, but we so often do, yet

With the joy of your love beaming inside and out all

Around there is no other thing for me to do than to

Smile, for you love teaches me to love and the joy

Of your love teaches me to smile.


Dear God, may I bring joy to other lives and may I carry love

With me wherever I go to sprinkle around and to help

Others smile.


May I transmit joy, may I transmit love, may we all

Find trueness of life and spread our love.





♦ ♦ ♦


My Lord.


I think you for this day.


It is a good day, God. A good day for good men

And good women and good children.


It is a day filled with the joy of life from one

Pole to the other, from one continent to another.


May we have direction, God, so that all good men

In all good places may work together to build

A world in which men can live together, apart,

In peace.




♦ ♦ ♦





I feel a desire to scream my joy across the room,

Across the street, across the state.


You have helped me come to know myself and the

True reason why a person must seek the higher

Things in this life.


I have a tremendous desire to help others and

A strong urge to give of myself.


I feel a surge of energy that has been released

From my soul.


It is the light that has been waiting to come out.


I feel optimism. I feel special.


I feel you care about me and that makes me

Care more about me and what I do with me.


God, I feel loved and that makes me want to love.


God I feel joy and that makes me want to spread joy.


God, I feel better and that, in all of the universe,

Is what makes sense.





♦ ♦ ♦





Today is a fine day.


Today I am turning some mental hang-ups of mine

Out to pasture.


Lord, there is nothing wrong with me.

There is nothing wrong with my mind or my body.


I may have convinced a few people that there

Some things wrong and at times had myself believing

It too, but Lord, there is nothing wrong with me.


I am an individual, myself not others, and I have

My own ways of doing some things. I have my

Strengths and weaknesses as do all men, I recognize

Them, and must act accordingly.


With my soul in the hands of Christ and with your

Help and your blessing, Lord, I can and will accomplish

Great things.





♦ ♦ ♦




If every flake of snow is an individual in itself

Created by nature to stretch across the sky and

Blow across the land for an undetermined span of life,

If a snow flake can be so significant, how carefully

Formed, how meticulously designed must be every man.


How distinguished must we all be,

How carefully preserved, that each life be a building

Stone in the foundation of mankind and of history.


There are no inappreciable people, but instead a

World full of magnificent giants.


If we could all remember this, there would be no

Need for atrocities, no need for crime.





♦ ♦ ♦





We have been worrying about what might be, what

Could happen, what may result.


This is a silly and illogical way to approach life.


We should not worryÖwe should not presuppose,

Then we canít be disappointed.


We should take things as they fall before us

For better and for worse, and not worry about

What might happen or how we may react.


Let us take life as it comes and it will be alright

As long as we obey your rules and love one another

As we love ourselves.





♦ ♦ ♦



Dear Lord,


Bad habits, distorted dreams, life-long ambitions

I am reaching for your Lord, in a time I need



I come to you for the energy and the power of life

The glory of regeneration and uplifting of the soul.


I come to you to live again, heavy with

Burdens, weary and tired of my shallow

Way of life, I come to you, Lord for love

For understanding to rebuild on an old dream

On a half-forgotten past, on a future,

On hope, and brightness. I come

To you, Lord.

I come.





♦ ♦ ♦



God, today above all I need your help.


I need your help for guidance to think straight.


I need your help to focus my eyes on a goal

And on something worthwhile to work for in the



God, Today I need your love and understanding

And I pray youíll be here when I need you.





♦ ♦ ♦





Help me to assemble the facts in my mind so that

I can concentrate on the right direction and not

On all the little distractions that come in mind.


Help me to form the energy and power to get my job

Done, to fall in line and do my duties and not

To sit and worry about it.


Help me to achieve a calm sense of peace of mind

So that I will be able to go through my activities

Relaxed and with confidence.


Lord, there is so much to enjoy in life, so much

You have laid out for us. Please, may I not become

So confused, so guilt-ridden, so full of shame,

So encapsulated in the frenzy and problems of today

That I loose my unity with God and the Universe.


May I pulsate in rhythm with the rest of the stars

And the seas and the streams and the grasses, in unity.


Lord, now I understand hell, may I reunite

Myself with heaven?





♦ ♦ ♦



Beyond the glass of your eyes is a beautiful world

In which there is no fear of live, no fear of death,

No guilt, no shame.


You can break the sadness of your eyes, you can crack

Your lips with a smile, you can again listen to the

Words of others and you can speak with confidence againÖ.

You can light up the inside of your head

Here there is happiness and love, dear friend.


All you must do is speak to God and he will give it to you.

He will restore you and remove your fears.

You want to go back, you want to return.


All you need to do is ask for forgiveness

And the Lord will restore your sanity.


And with God for you, who could be against you?





♦ ♦ ♦



God, itís really hard when you find that

Youíve been wrong all of your life.


I mean, honest and earnestly wrong.


My approach was that, ďIím going to do it my way.

I donít care what anyone says, Iím going to do it my way.Ē


And it didnít work.


My way, or the way I set up as my way, was the wrong way.


That doesnít mean that everyone elseís was the right way,

But my approach was wrong.


I have seen both sides now and many opposites.

Itís a wearisome idea to change a lifetime of ways,

Wrong or right, but I must.


Search for and seek out the right way and

Change my approach to life in a migration toward the light.


I have no need to hurt myself. I donít have time.





♦ ♦ ♦





I remember reading that to he who much is given,

Much is required.


This is the case with us.


We accept much from you lord, and require much,

But we must remember that gratitude for what

We receive from you is our duty to you.


We thank you God.


I thank you. Over and over again all afternoon,

I thank you.


For you teach me how to live, how to love,

How to enjoy life.


You take away my fears and replace them with



And I thank you, God. I to whom much is given.





♦ ♦ ♦





How I have tried to pursue the world to think as I.


How I have wasted effort to persuade people to act as I.


I see these mistakes all around my life.


I instead, should have persuaded other to think as

Christ taught us.


I should be a disciple of Christ rather than

One who gets in the way of your message.


I should Öno LordÖI will.


I will your will


May your will be my will.





♦ ♦ ♦



Dear God,


Love is coming.


It is coming from you and it is coming from Christ

For us.


Lord, love is felt in the heart and the mind,

Love is peaceful, love is kind.

Love is quiet, love is good,

Love is doing what we should.

Love, the source of all power,

Has fallen on our souls this hour.

Teach us to do right, we pray,

To practice love throughout the day.

Love is simple, love is meek

Love is strength for the weak.


Love is coming.


It is coming from you and it is coming from Christ,

For us.





♦ ♦ ♦





Clean is the feeling like fresh spring water rising blue

Out of the depths of the earth, or snow streams washing

Rocks on the mountainsides.


God, clean is like a motherís care who scrubbed you squeaky

In the bath and wrapped you with a soft white towel

And hugged your shivers away.


God, clean is young and fresh like a puppy with sealed

Eyes, searching for his warm mama.


God clean is spring rain and fresh snow and blue skies

And green ocean and dew on grass and autumn leaves

And rosebuds and you, God.


You come into my life and pour fresh clean hope and

New ideas and new courage and naivety and re-discovery

And joy and power and celebration like a fresh drawn

Bubble bath waiting for me to settle back and relax into,

Lord, life, a miracle, sweet breath and cumulous white dreams

Of refreshing newness in our hearts through live,

From yours.





♦ ♦ ♦



Where does this lead to?


Iíll walk it and see.


I have the time,

For itís master of me.


I tried everything once

But may never again

Peek back inside

The window of sin.


Iím not weary, Lord

I have not been oíer trod.

Iíve made my peace with my soul,

Iíve made friends with God.


Iíve made right, best I could,

The wrongs I have done.

I have prayed for forgiveness

And found that I got some.


I discovered that Iím not

As strong as I thought

I lesson of hard knocks

That cannot be taught.


And knowing my weakness

I found that I can,


Accept trial and meekness


And call myself man.





♦ ♦ ♦



Dear God,


Help me to be a spreader of joy.


A passer of good tidings from one person to another.


May I find love, not resentment,

In my fellowmen

And give nothing but love in return.


Itís a happy day, God.

And they can be better.





♦ ♦ ♦


Life is what you think you are.


Youíve heard that said before.


Think you are a happy note

And youíll float right out the door.


Life should be in harmony

With mind, and heart and soul

In meter and in melody

With dreams and hopes and goals.


Yes, joy is what you feel it is

And what you spread around

To salt your pathways with bliss

So gloom cannot be found.





♦ ♦ ♦



Dear God.


The solution came today!


And I want to thank you for the answer.


Itís funny how long it took me to figure it out,

But the answer is really quite simple and most refreshing

To think about.


I think it will be better now as my decisions and course

Of action materialize.


I think that I will achieve a higher opinion of myself

And a calmness from moving on. Itís time.


I thank you, God.


Thank you for your love and your care.


May you be with me in all that I do

And may all that I do be with you.





♦ ♦ ♦



Dear Father,


The answers just keep right on coming in.


Itís getting better and better every day.


Iím amazed at how good just a few little

Things can feel after a run of bad luck.


Small things like a call from an old friend

Or meeting someone with whom you

Intend to become friends or making

A new friend.


Love, Dear God, opens so many doors

One wonders what possible alternative

Could there be.


There is none.


Love, Dear God, is the gift you gave

Us to make us happy on earth,

Kind to each other and respectable

In your eyes. True love can do

No wrong. If you love all men

You can cause no harm. If you cause

No harm but only do good you

Can love yourself and be truly happy.


Thank you God for today, for tomorrow

And for love.





♦ ♦ ♦




May I think things out well before I assume any actions?

Often times in the mists of confusion a situation

May seem to have no alternatives but do or die,

Go or stop, up or down.

Yet when we stop and evaluate

There can always be diagonal connecting.

The two alternatives to bring a completely

New and fresh approach

A simple satisfactory answer.


God, please help me with the answers.

Help me to make the right decisions

Without emotionalisms or resentment.

Helm me, Lord to get out from under

This barrel so I can breathe free

Air and once again see the sunshine

And the stars.




♦ ♦ ♦



May I find the wisdom for right thinking so that

I may make decisions for right doing?


As I look for change, may my eyes be open

And may I be aware of all the possibilities?


And when I take my step, dear Lord,

May they be well thought out and

Smoothly executed?


May I act maturely, admirably, without sin?




♦ ♦ ♦



Happy is calm

Happy is cool

Happy is springtime

At rest by a pool.

Happy is nature

For eternity.

Happy is resting

My soul with thee.





♦ ♦ ♦


Dear God,


Thank you for a day and a duty to call my own.

Thank you for a message.

Thank you for understanding to be able to

Put things in this life in their right proportions and

To be aware of the absurdities yet

Not overcome by them. To be

Amused by coincidences, not frightened

By them. To be hopeful of tomorrow,

Not disturbed by it. To be confident

Of Eternity and not preoccupied

By it. To take days in stride

Not weeping about yesterday, not living

Tomorrow before it comes. To be

Kind to others, friendly, honest,

Helpful Ė to do good!




♦ ♦ ♦




In the quiet of my conscious mind may I be able to get my thinking straight.


It seems Iíve had too much ďCityĒ, God.


It seems that the real dreams I once cherished have taken dusty

Corners in my mind and have been undernourished

Have been allowed to go to sleep.


We are surrounded with things that men have made, Lord.

Buildings and sidewalks and streets and sewers and bridges and busses

And airports and houses and cars all man-made.


We have to put up with plastic flowers and splashing colors

That insult our humanity and baffle our souls.


We are bombarded with newscasts and piped-in music

And arousing pictures to distract us in ever direction we turn, Lord.

All made of man.


It is hard to find a place God, to rest our souls,

When you are working around us.

Where the doubt does not exist.

Where the truth is not concealed.


We donít have time to lean back and chew

On a leaf of green grass anymore.

The profit motive has us trapped.


We donít take time.


If mankind is doomed to live together like ants, Lord,

May we have the peace of mind to remember a snow-crested

Mountaintop framed by billowy clouds and blue sky?

A mountain stream rushing fresh clear water over polished rocks

Past sweet smelling pines.


May be able to find these things, Dear God, in our hearts.


In the hearts of each other?


May we find the Garden of Eden in our existential minds

And not loaf ourselves into sterile insanity?


May we know peace on earth in our hearts, Lord, in our souls?


The freedom of the winds, and the strength of the tides,

The light of the sun and the warmth of summer,

The health of running children,

The wills of good servants

And the charity of your son?





♦ ♦ ♦


God, I never thought in the absence of war

To pray for there to never be war

But now there is war.


War is something that I canít understand, God.

It doesnít make sense.


Some people say it is a good population control device

And that without wars and famine the world would soon be overpopulated.


I canít believe that.


I think that war is the destructive drive for power of selfish men.


Wars seem to come from someone looking at someone else who has

Something they want, and instead of negotiating, working, trading or buying,

They decide to take it from them.


But the people who are being threatened are fighting to maintain

What is theirs in the first place.


I wonder how long man must cater to these selfish men, God.


Doesnít it seem as though they are committing a crime to heaven as well as society?


Putting boys in the field to die before they are ready?


Before they know their souls?


May you have mercy on the boys who die in wars, Lord.


May you have mercy on the defenders and the aggressors, Lord.


May you have mercy on the tyrants, Lord.


And may the tyrants have mercy on mankind.



♦ ♦ ♦


I have seen the darkness and the inner depths of evil in mankind.

Yet not too late to find myself and change the guiding forces of my life.

I have crawled and squandered in selfishness.

I have sought pleasure and not reward.

I have touch evil instead of good

I have schemed and planned to get ahead

I have placed earthliness above all

I have gone out of my way to get revenge

I have been unkind

I have been pulled down by the eddies and cried out for help

I have forsaken my lord

I have looked for my soul in the wrong places

I have been spiritually lazy

I have been inattentive to the laws of the universe

I have cried for help

I have received comfort from the Lord

I have been blessed with my sanity.






Last Edited: 7/31/2001 6:30 PM


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